Confucius Say

Hey everyone,

The below jokes or humorous anecdotes are from the small booklet “Confucius say: Bold and Witty Bed Room Bar Room and “Smoker” Dipsy Doodles” by the Inimitable Confucius.

This small booklet with the red cover is odd.  There is no publishing house listed inside the cover, and no copyright anywhere in the book.  The title page simply shows the title and the alleged author (as above).  On the back cover, at bottom, it shows “Printed in Hong Kong”.  In the very early 1990s, I picked up this small booklet in a tourist souvenir shop in Chinatown, San Francisco, CA.  So, I have made the good faith effort to give credit where credit is due for the below jokes.

Hopefully, everyone can relax and enjoy a few chuckles.  Ladies, do not be offended, but kindly lighten up.  Enjoy.

Credit for the fortune cookie image above is due sodahead.com.  Credit for the doghouse saying below is due memecenter.com.

 

Confucius say:

Boy who know love from A to Z, always make girl say: ‘HO’!

Confucius say:

Old maid count on fingers, but young girl count on legs!

Confucius say:

When boy hug girl, energy go to ‘waist’!

Confucius say:

Girl’s bathing suit no have hooks, but when girl inside, plenty eyes on it!

Confucius say:

Shoulder strap on beautiful lady’s dress keep attraction from becoming sensation!  (I guess refers to “wardrobe failure”)

Confucius say:

Man same as automobile…perform better for woman who give right kind of oil! (not sure about this one)

Confucius say:

Time tell on woman . . . particular case, a good time!

Confucius say:

Girl’s face regarded her fortune, but other features draw the interest! 

Confucius say:

 When girl go out on lark, she usually end up in some bird’s nest!

Confucius say:

Business man frame first dollar he make . . . girl frame first man!

Confucius say:

Marriage like boxing event . . . Preliminaries often better than main bout!

Confucius say:

Every woman like to be taken with grain of assault!

Confucius say:

Angel girl usually play devil with man!

Confucius say:

Girl with heavy date always wear something light!

Confucius say:

Amazing how cold cash warm girl’s heart!

Confucius say:

Some girls, like flowers . . . grow wild in woods!

Confucius say:

Girl who is “picture” of health . . . best developed in dark room!

Confucius say:

When girl stand on ladder . . . man get “rung” ideas!

Confucius say:

Girl who laugh when sweetheart sit down to play . . . she ticklish!

Confucius say:

Girl who lean toward man . . . she is pleasure-bent!

Confucius say:

Absence make heart grow fonder . . . but “presence” make for better results!

Confucius say:

Man always go to “bat” for girl with good curves!  (How true!)

Confucius say:

Amazing how girl see light . . . when in dark with man!

Confucius say:

Man judged by company he keep . . . woman, by how late she keep company!

Confucius say:

When woman say “no”, it like comma . . . do not mean complete stop!

Confucius say:

Reason why girl close eyes when man kiss her  . . . . look in mirror!  See why!

Confucius say:

No fun to kiss girl over phone . . . unless in same phone-booth with girl! 

Confucius say:

Kiss speak volumes . . . much fun to start library!

Confucius say:

Because marriages made in heaven . . . married people harp at each other!

Confucius say:

Sudden entrance of wife force stenographer to change her position!

Confucius say:

Love blind, but feel way ’round pretty good!

Confucius say:

Winner in strip poker game very lucky . . . but loser most interesting!

Confucius say:

Remember persistent lawyer who spend whole evening in trying to break girl’s will!

Confucius say:

Difference between girl and traffic cop . . . when traffic cop say “Stop!”  . . . he mean Stop!

Confucius say:

When man 60 marry girl 25 . . . like buying book for someone else to read!

Confucius say:

Girl know what she want, but boy friend want what she no’s!

Confucius say:

Difficult to finish with woman with whom was easy to begin!

Confucius say:

Can not change wife of 40 for two twenties!

Confucius say:

Familiarity breed attempt!

Confucius say:

Love like taking pictures . . . never now how will come out!

Confucius say:

Man who put out flame in middle of night not always fireman!

Confucius say:

Girl who wear dress that show everything should be sure she have something to show!

Confucius say:

Girl in good shape . . . reason boy in bad shape!

Confucius say:

Pretty legs always more interesting than pretty face!

Confucius say:

Good looking girl don’t have far to look!

Confucius say:

Pretty girl usually get man in pretty position!

Confucius say:

Girl with cleanest mind give dirtiest look!

Confucius say:

Funny thing:  Girl who look like dream always give man insomnia!

Confucius say: 

Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress!

Confucius say:

White lies, like red roses very important to romance!

Confucius say:

Girl who do anything for get kick from life . . . . find life usually kick her!

Confucius say:

Woman who lay heart at man’s feet may find he soon step on it.

Confucius say:

Girl with future . . . beware of man with past!

Confucius say:

Back talk much better than behind- back talk!

Confucius say:

Friendly hand often lead to kick in pants!

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