This essay is for college co-eds returning to colleges and universities across the US over the next few weeks for the Fall term.
Here is some advice: do not get into bed on the second date. Do not get into the habit of having casual sex. (And, yes, by “sex” we include the practice of “oral sex”.)
If a guy, a “boyfriend”, or a casual “hook-up” is only interested in having access to your body for sex, he likely is not really interested in you as a person. For successful, lasting relationships, more than sex is required.
Now, you may feel that you have to give sex early on to keep a guy interested in you and to keep him seeing you. You may come to that conclusion because so many other young women on campus are doing just that to keep their boyfriends as boyfriends. But, what does that say about you?
I would humbly suggest that you not let what others are doing influence how you conduct yourself. (Screw peer pressure.) Don’t follow the crowd. Do not forget that you are an individual.
You might also consider questioning the idea, the premise, that being promiscuous or “sexually active” is somehow liberating to you as a young, single woman. Sadly, feminism, with its excesses, has served to distort women’s understanding of themselves as women.
As well, do not think that you are “wasting” good time or good opportunities if you postpone sex until you are out of school in a few years’ time and get married. Today, many married couples in their 60s are having good sex regularly. This is no bull. You have decades of good sex (really we prefer to use the term “lovemaking”) in your marriage ahead of you. You will be able to make love with your husband thousands of times in your married life.
Let me tell you how many guys – that is fairly decent young men who are worth getting to know as prospects for your future husband – think of young women. If they know that a girl is an easy score (falls into bed quickly and easily), they do not respect her very much. Some of these young men may want to have sex with such a young woman for the fun of it, but they are not likely thinking that she is worth trying to have a lasting relationship with. (And, many guys use very vulgar phrases or terms to describe girls who are easy scores.)
Personally, I have no difficulty respecting those women that I see who have self respect and they demonstrate their self respect in how they live their lives. For those women who show that they lack self respect – and again that is shown in how they conduct themselves – it is very difficult for me to respect them.
my personal experiences in this area
From my own experiences, I learned that having sex in dating relationships was a mistake. Why? Because the frequent, “feel good” sex that we (the woman and myself) enjoyed distracted both of us and made it difficult to see if we really had anything in common, any serious prospects for a lasting, mutually beneficial and committed relationship. Months later, we realized that we were, in a way, strangers to each other and that what little we knew of each other indicated that we did not have much in common and did not have the same goals and personal values. (I recall writing as much in a comment on one of the Christian marriage blogs some time back. It was J. Parker’s hotholyhumorous.com blog. She does a great job on her blog and we applaud her efforts, her honesty and her courage.)
From these bad experiences, I decided that I would not seek to have sex early on in any future relationships. This decision was reached prior to meeting the woman who would eventually be my wife of many years.
our advice for young women
Here, we are going to tell you what you need to hear as opposed to what you may want to hear.
So our advice to college women is to wait, and not fall into the trap of having sex with guy after guy that you meet in the hopes that sooner or later one of them will be “Mr. Right”. Avoid the empty, bitter regretful feeling that comes when you realize that you were used for sex by men who did not really want to get to know you the person. Avoid the exposure to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – some of which stay with you for life. Avoid exposure to the various strains of HPV (and Gardasil is no protection for several strains). Avoid the unplanned pregnancies and the abortions. (No birth control is 100% effective, and condoms do not prevent all infections as these some times tear, and some viruses are smaller than the microscopic pores of the latex in the condoms.)
By cultivating your self-respect and your self-control, you will be very attractive to a quality young man who will view you as the kind of woman he wants for a wife and not the kind of woman he just wants to “fuck” and party with for a time while he is away at school.
If you turn a boyfriend down for sex, and explain to him that it is not anything personally against him but is because you do not believe in casual sex or sex so early on in a relationship, he will either leave and go on his way (which says he was not interested in you), or he will show you that he really wants to get to know you as he values you as a person and not merely as a body to be enjoyed for sex.
The choice on how you live your life is, of course, yours to make. But, you ought to think about the consequences of your choices and thereby perhaps make better choices.
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We have used this photo of ours previously, but it still adds a dash of color to an essay.
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