sexual love within marriage: its giving nature

The sexual love the spouses share with each other is naturally giving.  Sadly, among married Christians there is much confusion on this subject of sexual love, with some spouses needlessly suffering from unhealthy inhibitions and even feeling shame in the marriage bed.  This is so unnecessary.  Letting go of, or shedding these inhibitions and shame will open you to a deeper, richer emotional intimacy with your spouse during your lovemaking.

Mutually fulfilling lovemaking is not the only necessary ingredient for a successful, lasting, happy marriage – but the reality is that it is one of the key ingredients!  And, God intended that both spouses enjoy sexual fulfillment within their loving marriage.  (If you doubt this, consider the sexual capacity (for arousal, desire and pleasure) in both the man and the woman all throughout each month.  Of course, the emotions are also intimately involved.)


The sexual love that the spouses feel for each other and share with each other ought not be unduly restricted in its range of expression within a loving marriage.  We have made that point before.  Today, we wish to stress the giving nature of sexual love in its varied expressions in the marriage bed.

Your lovemaking with your spouse is a celebration of your love for each other! Make it joyous.  Open and honest communication with each other can help. Your marital sexual intimacy involves shared vulnerability, trust, mutual respect and acceptance.  What you get from your lovemaking is dependent upon what you are willing to put into it.  We are recommending that you take ownership of your sexual intimacy, take responsibility for making it better for your spouse and for yourself.  The more giving you are in your sexual intimacy, the more you are likely going to receive as your spouse will naturally desire to reciprocate your caring and your loving tenderness.  And, this loving concern (for each other) continues outside the marital bedroom for those married couples who enjoy a deeply fulfilling sexual intimacy and sexual bond with each other.

What we mean by “giving” in this context is both the frequency of lovemaking with your spouse and your willingness to satisfy his/her needs and desires. Yes, giving of yourself sexually involves a feeling of vulnerability, but the mutual trust and respect you share with your husband/wife keeps you safe even when you feel vulnerable.  As you grow in your loving sexual intimacy, in your sexual connection with your spouse, you will naturally be more confident and more comfortable and will not feel vulnerable – your personal comfort zone will expand.  Giving satisfaction and pleasure to your spouse in loving and playful ways can be very emotionally gratifying.  Giving of one’s self during lovemaking is a major turn-on for many spouses.  (Try it, you will see.) As well, there is no reason you cannot physically enjoy for yourself what you do for and with your spouse and how you do it.  Whether it is a new position for intercourse she/he wants to try, or giving oral sex (or at his/her request performing it differently than you usually do), or making love in the shower or elsewhere in the home, you can and should enjoy the physical aspects of your loving acts.  If you let go of your mental inhibitions, then the emotional satisfactions of your giving and the exciting, pleasurable physical sensations you are free to enjoy can make it easier for you to be very enthusiastic in your lovemaking with your spouse.  Make the effort and reap the major benefits!

(Before proceeding we should add 2 clarifications.  First, if your spouse does not reciprocate your giving and caring actions in the lovemaking, talk to him/her about this.  He/she may be suffering from unhealthy inhibitions and/or shame.  If it is the case that he/she has difficulty being giving as it is not in his/her nature to be giving, you may need to consider marriage counseling.  Second, as to meeting your spouse’s sexual needs and desires, we counsel that these should be within reason.  Each couple can decide what is reasonable for them within their love play.  But, please be aware that some preconceived ideas about certain acts should be discarded.  Of course, no one ought be forced or coerced to do what they find to be very uncomfortable or very disagreeable.  Various Christian marriage bloggers have addressed these issues.)

We now share an insightful and powerful comment from a Christian wife that speaks to the giving nature of sexual love within a Christian marriage.  She stresses that satisfying or fulfilling your spouse’s needs in the marriage bed is your responsibility, and makes for a stronger marriage.  We agree with this.

This quote is used with the kind permission of Julie Sibert and is from her blog, Intimacy in Marriage .  It appears in the reader comments to this thoughtful and informative article (click on this link to go to the article):

Pulling Back the Sheets: Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral Sex


Rochelle says:   June 18th, 2014 at 3:20 pm

Good for you, Wanda!  You are not a freak!  And good for all you Christian ladies (and men) who have discovered how good oral sex can be in the Christian bedroom.  Sex means nothing to non-Christians – like shaking hands to most people.  Non-Christians feel free to explore all types of sex.  So why should Christians hold back?  We’re the ones sex was created for! Christian couples should do whatever they can to satisfy their spouses – that is biblical!   No one should be longing for something they aren’t getting.  That leads to lust and sin, cheating and divorce.  I love my husband and never want him to desire anyone else or anything other than what I give him. He doesn’t need to fantasize because I fill his fantasies.  Oral sex is only one of the things I do for him.  And doing it makes me feel good sexually and spiritually because I am satisfying his needs as God intended.   I do it regularly but especially during my period when regular sex isn’t possible.  Not doing this would be like me telling him I don’t love enough to do it. And that includes taking him all the way to satisfaction.  You all know what I mean.


Rochelle says so much in her incisive comment.  Wives and husbands, it is worth giving serious thought to what she says.


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