At the cordial request of another blogger, Belah Rose, we are presenting our review of the recent podcast:
DYM Ep34: Why He Wants It All The Time (And What He Should Do To Get It)
found at this link:
Belah, a wife and mother, is an insightful Christian marriage author, blogger, and speaker. We encourage interested readers to listen to her podcast, and visit her website.
Our feature photo is “A Heart in the Open” and was taken by my wife, Lucy, in San Francisco two years ago.
Rather than going point by point through the talk and critiquing all that Belah said, I will just present the thoughts that entered my mind while listening to her podcast. Her words stirred my thinking in the following areas. (Readers are encouraged to listen to the podcast for themselves to hear everything that was discussed.)
Yes, frequent lovemaking is needed by the husband. If you think about how God made men and women, it becomes clear He intended the lovemaking within the covenant of marriage to be frequent and mutually pleasurable. Sex is not exclusively, nor even primarily for procreation in human beings. (We have said this before on this blog.) The sexual desire, the capacity for arousal and for engaging in sex in both the man and the woman is present and persistent even on all those non-fertile days of the month (i.e. the vast majority of the days of each month).
Yet the sex is more than just a satisfaction of a strong physical appetite for the husband. Men are more emotional inside than many women realize. (Men often do not wear their emotions on their sleeve so to speak.) And, it is this emotional aspect that, when in play, raises the sex to lovemaking for the man. (This is something that some Church authorities have failed to grasp over the centuries. A certain sexual pessimism persists in Christianity today.)
The lovemaking also reaffirms the husband’s sense of himself as a man. When the wife embraces her husband, shares her body and her heart with him, he feels love and accepted. When she refuses frequent sexual intimacy, he feels rejected and that is deeply hurtful to him, even if he does not show the hurt. He may also think that she refuses him because he is inadequate as a man, and his self-worth suffers.
Man and woman, husband and wife, complement each other. The husband’s masculine nature and the wife’s feminine nature complete each other. The two become one.
Lovemaking, sexual intimacy within marriage – both intercourse and oral sex – is a bonding act. If you want a strong marriage, do not overlook or minimize the importance of the sexual component.
(In a much earlier essay of ours we noted that some cultural anthropologists give as the reason for the lifelong pairing of men and women in so many societies across the globe the non-seasonal (i.e. continuous) sexual interest of the male in the female. Thus, the basis for monogamous marriage and for the nuclear family is biological (sexual) in human beings. Like it or not, sex is very important. And, marriage (lifelong monogamous coupling or pairing) was around long before organized religions gave their sanction to it.)
This need for sexual intimacy and fulfillment if frustrated by a refusing wife can lead the husband to seek gratification or release elsewhere in extramarital affairs, with prostitutes, through the use of pornography, etc.
How ought the husband act so that his wife will want to be sexually intimate with him and want that loving intimacy frequently? The husband needs to love and respect his wife, genuinely so. He needs to be sensitive and attentive to her needs, both emotional and physical.
As Belah states that she is a feminist and talks about the poor treatment of women in the past, we wish to add these comments. Equity feminism is a good thing, but since the 1960s we have seen that feminism has become radicalized (so-called gender feminism). This has sown needless and destructive enmity between the sexes. And, such enmity has contributed to the rise in cohabitation (not committing to each other, not marrying), and for those who do marry a rise in the divorce rate.
The problem we now see is that there has been a blurring or distortion of the understanding of what true femininity is.
I think that most men, deep down inside, do not want a wife who is in competition with them in many areas. They want a loving teammate, a partner of equal dignity and worth – not a rival. Harmony and cooperation, not conflict and competition, are desired in the marriage.
As well, there has to be an open, honest recognition that males and females are different. (Use the search box on our site for our review of the book, Brain Sex, for more on this.) This is not just based on the differences in child rearing for boys and girls. Their brains are wired differently, and their blood carries a different mix of the sex hormones (some of the most powerful mind altering biochemicals known). That is the reality. Thus, do not expect that your spouse will think and see things exactly as you do.
Belah mentions in her talk that one of the possible reasons for a husband’s low sex drive can be low levels of the hormone testosterone in his body (bloodstream). Yes, this is an issue for some husbands, particularly for older men. My advice to husbands and wives facing this challenge is not to rush to the doctor for a prescription for testosterone nor to get shots of this hormone. Rather, try to get his body to make more of its own hormones naturally and more safely. (You can research this online.) Adding certain items to one’s diet and getting regular, vigorous exercise can help the body to make more of its own hormones safely. As well, reduce things that burn up or deplete testosterone such as workplace or home stress, lack of sleep, excess alcohol consumption, etc.
Later in the podcast, there is a little discussion of divorce. One question that surfaces from time to time on many Christian marriage blogs is this (in substance): Is ongoing, continuing sexual refusal by one spouse a legitimate (or morally licit) grounds for divorce?
Given the importance of frequent sexual intimacy within marriage, this question is certainly very relevant and needs to be considered seriously. This unhealthy situation in not a few marriages cannot be ignored. Refusing spouses need to confront the problems in their marriage that keeps them trapped in this harmful, destructive pattern of behavior. Of course, as has been discussed on some marriage blogs, the challenge is to get the refusing spouse to honestly acknowledge that there is a problem with sexual refusal. That can be the biggest hurdle to overcome before change and healing can begin within the marriage. Marriage counseling with a trained professional may be needed. (It is sad to read the many comments on Christian marriage blogs by hurting spouses who are in such a marriage. Wives can be refusers, and so can husbands.)
Mutually fulfilling, frequent, joyous lovemaking strengthens your marriage bond with your spouse. It is what God intended for married persons. Make the effort to make the sexual intimacy frequent and joyous for your spouse and for yourself!
Best wishes, Belah, with your ministry, and keep up the great work. It is needed.
Larry Z. B. of http:\\larrysmusings.com
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