This post is in answer to the many comments on Christian marriage blogs by wives who lament, justify and rationalize their unwillingness to give oral sex to their husband.
Let’s define the term. Fellare-phobia means and refers to the fear of performing oral sex on one’s husband. (Fellare from the Latin meaning to suck, hence the term, fellatio.)
This fear is not normally based on moral concerns. When reviewing the arguments condemning oral sex put forth by some Christian pastors and priests, it is clear that there is no sound reason to condemn the expression of sexual love within marriage through the use of the lips, tongue and mouth. Nor does the performance of fellatio lead, as some will assert, the husband to “objectify” his wife. Such so-called objectification does not occur in a loving marriage.
If the wife and husband are both free of sexually transmitted diseases (including all the various strains of HPV), then there is no need to fear oral sex over health concerns. Performing the act itself – when diseases and viruses are not present in either partner – is not injurious or risky to one’s health.
From their comments, these wives are loath to even try fellatio. Not having had the experience of giving oral sex, they are nevertheless convinced in their minds that it is “degrading, oppressive, and even repulsive” (in the words of one recent commenter). As well, some wives will say they tried giving a few times and found it to be a negative experience. So, they never gave oral sex again after these few “bad” experiences with it many years back.
Let me give you an analogy here from my own experience that may be instructive. They took the training wheels off of my bicycle when I was a small lad of five years of age. For a while, I would fall down with the bike and it hurt some. But, I continued riding the bike without training wheels as I learned how better to keep the bike and myself balanced. In time, I no longer fell off the bike and was then free to enjoy bike riding as much and as often as possible. And, it was fun.
The fear of giving oral sex to one’s husband is in the mind, and that is why such fear can be correctly labelled as above – a phobia. A non-rational phobia that can be overcome with effort. Whether the wife will make the effort is a different matter.
All the concerns over hygiene and cleanliness can easily be discarded. Have your husband shower before coming to your marital bed. Encourage him to shave or at least trim his pubic hair regularly. Fears over the product of his climax, his semen, are not founded on science nor on fact. Semen is not (to borrow from another blogger) battery acid and it is not poisonous, It is not carcinogenic. Again, if your husband is free of any and all STIs (sexually transmitted infections), his semen is completely safe to be exposed to.
We have been told in our culture that oral sex is bad, dirty, degrading, etc. But, many of us now believe, upon further reflection and the experiences in our marriages, that what is bad or dirty is having sex with someone we are not in love with and outside of the marriage covenant. Within a loving marriage, oral sex can enhance the loving sexual intimacy and bonding that God intended for wives and husbands. We are not saying that oral sex ought to replace frequent loving intercourse, but that as a supplement to intercourse, it adds an extra enriching dimension to the spouses’ shared intimacy.
The key here is to let go the mental fears and inhibitions and make the effort to love your husband more deeply by freely giving him this special gift in your marriage bed.
One last factor that may feed a wife’s fear of, or reluctance to give oral sex is what others might think of her if they knew that she gave oral sex to her husband. Can you keep a secret ladies? No one ever has to know that you love your husband in this way. No one has to know that you have expanded your expression of your sexual love for your husband, the man you chose to marry, to include giving oral sex to him. No one has to know of your greater freedom and greater confidence in doing so.
Wives: If you are having trouble in this area of lovemaking and sexual intimacy with your husband, consider consciously cultivating a positive mental attitude towards oral sex. You can change your mindset and that will make it much easier to give oral sex a fair try. Many wives who have made the effort and become free to enjoy this special, playful and exciting form of loving intimacy with their husband tell in their comments that their fears were unfounded, and that they wish they had confronted their fears earlier in their marriage.
As well, interested readers can visit the Marriage and Sex page here at our blog for many of our essays on marriage and some on the sex that is an important part of a loving marriage.
For one particular, relevant and helpful essay of ours, click on this link:
Thanks for reading.
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