marital intimacy: addressing “fellare phobia”

This post is in answer to the many comments on Christian marriage blogs by wives who lament, justify and rationalize their unwillingness to give oral sex to their husband.




Let’s define the term.  Fellare-phobia means and refers to the fear of performing oral sex on one’s husband.  (Fellare from the Latin meaning to suck, hence the term, fellatio.)

This fear is not normally based on moral concerns.  When reviewing the arguments condemning oral sex put forth by some Christian pastors and priests, it is clear that there is no sound reason to condemn the expression of sexual love within marriage through the use of the lips, tongue and mouth. Nor does the performance of fellatio lead, as some will assert, the husband to “objectify” his wife.  Such so-called objectification does not occur in a loving marriage.

If the wife and husband are both free of sexually transmitted diseases (including all the various strains of HPV), then there is no need to fear oral sex over health concerns.  Performing the act itself – when diseases and viruses are not present in either partner – is not injurious or risky to one’s health.

From their comments, these wives are loath to even try fellatio.  Not having had the experience of giving oral sex, they are nevertheless convinced in their minds that it is “degrading, oppressive, and even repulsive” (in the words of one recent commenter).  As well, some wives will say they tried giving a few times and found it to be a negative experience.  So, they never gave oral sex again after these few “bad” experiences with it many years back.

Let me give you an analogy here from my own experience that may be instructive.  They took the training wheels off of my bicycle when I was a small lad of five years of age.  For a while, I would fall down with the bike and it hurt some.  But, I continued riding the bike without training wheels as I learned how better to keep the bike and myself balanced.  In time, I no longer fell off the bike and was then free to enjoy bike riding as much and as often as possible.  And, it was fun.

The fear of giving oral sex to one’s husband is in the mind, and that is why such fear can be correctly labelled as above – a phobia.  A non-rational phobia that can be overcome with effort.  Whether the wife will make the effort is a different matter.

All the concerns over hygiene and cleanliness can easily be discarded.  Have your husband shower before coming to your marital bed.  Encourage him to shave or at least trim his pubic hair regularly.  Fears over the product of his climax, his semen, are not founded on science nor on fact.  Semen is not (to borrow from another blogger) battery acid and it is not poisonous,  It is not carcinogenic.  Again, if your husband is free of any and all STIs (sexually transmitted infections), his semen is completely safe to be exposed to.

We have been told in our culture that oral sex is bad, dirty, degrading, etc. But, many of us now believe, upon further reflection and the experiences in our marriages, that what is bad or dirty is having sex with someone we are not in love with and outside of the marriage covenant.  Within a loving marriage, oral sex can enhance the loving sexual intimacy and bonding that God intended for wives and husbands.  We are not saying that oral sex ought to replace frequent loving intercourse, but that as a supplement to intercourse, it adds an extra enriching dimension to the spouses’ shared intimacy.

The key here is to let go the mental fears and inhibitions and make the effort to love your husband more deeply by freely giving him this special gift in your marriage bed.

One last factor that may feed a wife’s fear of, or reluctance to give oral sex is what others might think of her if they knew that she gave oral sex to her husband.  Can you keep a secret ladies?  No one ever has to know that you love your husband in this way.  No one has to know that you have expanded your expression of your sexual love for your husband, the man you chose to marry, to include giving oral sex to him.  No one has to know of your greater freedom and greater confidence in doing so.

Wives: If you are having trouble in this area of lovemaking and sexual intimacy with your husband, consider consciously cultivating a positive mental attitude towards oral sex.  You can change your mindset and that will make it much easier to give oral sex a fair try.  Many wives who have made the effort and become free to enjoy this special, playful and exciting form of loving intimacy with their husband tell in their comments that their fears were unfounded, and that they wish they had confronted their fears earlier in their marriage.

As well, interested readers can visit the Marriage and Sex page here at our blog for many of our essays on marriage and some on the sex that is an important part of a loving marriage.


For one particular, relevant and helpful essay of ours, click on this link:

Sexual love within marriage: its giving nature 

A helpful post on another blog has now come to our attention, and we recommend it for wives who are having some problems with the idea of accepting their husband’s semen during oral sex (written by a Christian wife).

enjoying your husband’s semen

As well, for the wife, who is not yet at the point of actually performing oral sex for her husband, here is a good article on how to make progress towards being able to comfortably do that by taking the small steps to get there (written by a Christian wife).  Recommended.

take a step toward oral sex 

This next linked article has many helpful comments from wives at the end.  The author, Ruth (a Christian marriage blogger), points out that oral sex can be a way to intimately connect with your husband.

learning to like giving your husband oral sex

Another relevant post by Ruth may help wives work up to letting their husband climax in their mouth at the end of their loving fellatio.  Ruth discusses motivation and other aspects for a fuller understanding and appreciation of this intimate expression of love.

my husband wants to finish where

We include this next linked post as it is a classic on the subject, and is highly recommended.  By Renee Wade of the Feminine Woman website:

Why do men really love blowjobs?

Thanks for reading.

copyright 2016 – 2021 –

Post Script:

From a Christian marriage blog, we read this comment:

julia   May 7, 2015 at 3:50 pm

i enjoy oral sex with my husband, because i like it and he LOVES it. There is an intimacy in this act of love that is not in any other expression of love.

Here is a recent post by another blogger, a Christian wife, that is very worthwhile reading and thinking on:

Is giving oral sex arousing for you?


closing thought

Wives, young and not so young:  You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that you enjoy the special connection with your husband during your loving fellatio.  Give it a fair try and see.



Let your love for your husband bloom more fully and richly.


flowers at parents house 3




    1. Thanks for your comments and best wishes for you new blog site. As said above in the post, letting go of needless mental fears and inhibitions is the key to adding this playful and loving act to a Christian married couple’s lovemaking. We believe that oral sex has a place within a loving Christian marriage.

    1. Yes, you could post a link to this essay, or you might post a few quotes with a link to the full essay here at our blog. Alternatively, you can use the reblog feature for sharing this post with your blog followers. Thanks and best wishes.

  1. Here is a recent comment we found at Julie Sibert’s blog, Intimacy in Marriage that is worth reading.

    July 1, 2018 at 1:35 pm

    For eighteen years I’ve been apprehensive about oral sex with my husband, but in looking for new and better ways to pleasure him, I stumbled across this blog. I tried it on him right away and was surprised to find how much I liked it, never mind him! 😉 And thanks the the gents to weighed in with what they enjoy about it because it’s really helped me to do the job right. And to the ladies who commented, it was in huge part your comments that made me less afraid to try the thing I’ve naturally craved for so long. (I can’t wait to do it again!) And as for my husband? Let’s just say he’s a VERY happy man. 😉 God bless!

  2. My comments here following should not be taken as disparaging, disrespectful or improper, but simply as statements of my own observation.
    I have often wondered why (most) women love to perform fellatio so much. They don’t even need to be taught how. They just latch their lips onto a man’s appendage like a baby latches lips on their mother’s nipple. Eventually, I just came to accept it as “some weird instinctual behavior” that probably evolved as a sexual foreplay that increases intimacy, desire, and lubrication.
    That said, I believe if a woman feels loved, and is turned on, then she should fellate automatically without much thought about it. Whenever I hear of a woman who really fears or detests fellatio, I always think they had a bad experience with it (or men) in the past, or maybe they have an embarrassingly low libido, or else, they are not particularly attracted to the man in their life. A religious upbringing might also put a damper on a woman’s natural expression, lead her to overthink it too much, and kill her passion in the doing. One might argue about any of these influences, but my point is that there is something that is interfering with, or “blocking” the wife’s NATURAL expression.
    My hummble advice for inhibited wives is to try to get out of their heads, and focus more on losing themselves in their passions for their husbands. I know… easier said than done. But I think if they can do this, then they can have an experience similar to the one described by Rere in the last comment above.

    1. Thanks Wayne for your observations and insights.

      We think that married Christians ought to have mutually fulfilling sexual relationships with their spouses. And, when considering the number of Christian marriage blogs and books that address sexual intimacy within marriage, it does appear that many married Christians struggle in this area. This is in part due to the influence on Church teachings of some early Church leaders (in the early centuries of the Christian era) who had a very negative or pessimistic view of sex, even sex within a loving marriage. There is hope for the future as more married couples are questioning these unduly pessimistic attitudes. But, for some Christian wives, their early religious training continues to be a problem for them.

      That said, there is another mental obstacle for the wife to be able to let go and enjoy performing fellatio for her husband. This is the current feminist view that giving oral sex to her husband is somehow oppressive or degrading to the wife. It is a power dynamic where the wife is the inferior, subordinate and submissive partner. Since feminism got hijacked in the 1960s by Friedan, Abzug and Steinem, this new radical or gender feminism has created much needless enmity between the sexes.

      Either from early Christian training that was too anti-sex in tone, and/or from the current feminist view, a wife today is prone to over thinking the simple and loving act of giving oral sex. From the comments I have seen, there are many wives that when they dared to let go of these mental inhibitions and groundless fears were liberated and became free to enjoy their playful fellatio. Some of these wives say they wish they had confronted these baseless fears much sooner. Fellatio is more than just exciting and playful, it is a special form of loving intimacy where both spouses are vulnerable but trust and respect each other.

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