appreciating and respecting your husband’s sexuality

Sadly, this post is necessary in the year 2018.  Gatekeeping and refusing of sexual intimacy within marriage are real, sorry to say.  Even if only present in a relatively small percentage of marriages, lack of frequent, mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy affects millions of marriages in the Western world.


As to the literature on sex – and this includes posts and comments on marriage blogs and discussion forums, there is much discussion on a woman’s needs and her difficulty having or achieving her orgasm.  Okay, we get that, but, yes BUT, your husband has needs as well that you need to be concerned with meeting and fulfilling.  A fairly obvious truth, which is too often minimized or not fully appreciated, is that healthy young men need frequent sexual release for optimal health overall and for a healthy reproductive tract.  Many young wives, even if sexually experienced, fail to grasp this fully, and that can lead to needless stress and conflict in the marriage.  Problems in the sexual area of marriage can spill over into other areas of the married relationship, and this cannot be ignored nor trivialized.

(And, please, Christians, do not employ an erroneous understanding of the term “lust” when considering a normal, natural, healthy sex drive in a young man or woman.  Sexual arousal and sexual desire are not lust (which involves covetousness).  Regrettably, Christian sexual morality picked up some erroneous and harmful ideas from ancient pagan schools of thought in the early centuries of the Christian era.  There is a need for sexual morality – simply look around you in today’s world for evidence of that need! – but when such morality goes over the line, becomes “sex negative” and starts burdening and down talking marriage and the married state, it has ceased to be sexual morality and has degenerated into sexual repression.)

Yes, there are husbands who refrain from sexual intimacy with their wives, and that is wrong.  But, given the preponderance of comments from husbands on many marriage blogs lamenting and complaining of gatekeeping wives, we address our words here mainly to wives.  Please understand that your husband does not have to earn sexual intimacy with you.  Sexual intimacy is his right once you exchange marriage vows with each other.  And, for those women who are engaged to marry, if you are unwilling to have frequent sexual relations with your future husband once married, you need to inform him of this before you marry.  Do not defraud him!  Engagements are not the same as being married, and these (engagements) can be called off.

Wives, do not use sex as a weapon or as a bargaining chip with your husband.  Women have been doing this sort of harmful shit for thousands of years now.  If you are in conflict on other matters, resolve those conflicts outside of your marriage bed.  As well, do not buy into this very destructive feminist ideology that your husband is a dumb brute without feelings and will “objectify” you if you have sex with him frequently.  It needs to be said that the women who hijacked feminism in the 1960s were quite bitter individuals (Friedan, Abzug, and Steinem).  This came out in their later writings and interviews.  Do not follow the twisted advice of individuals who were/are motivated by extreme personal bitterness.

We think that sex needs to be addressed before marriage.  Yes, we are quite aware that many couples engage in sex prior to marriage.  But, even so, sex needs to be discussed as to expectations for your marriage.  The rather tragic irony these days is that many persons have quite a lot of sex before they get married and then once married, in a rather short time they do not have much sex with their spouse.  This is backwards.  People – as difficult as it may be – ought to save sex for marriage and then have good (even great), mutually satisfying sexual relations and intimacy frequently with their spouse.  To be sure, achieving that great and mutually satisfying sexual relationship with one’s spouse requires ongoing effort and is a learning experience.  That is a challenge, but it is also quite rewarding and exhilarating to work towards.  Realizing that it takes time to learn about each other and about each other’s bodies, do not despair, but persevere in your loving experiences in sexual intimacy with your spouse.

During sexual intimacy, the spouses open themselves up emotionally as well as physically.  And, husbands do have emotions, even if they do not always show evidence of such.  The fact is that both spouses are vulnerable within the loving sexual relationship.  Yet, with shared mutual respect, mutual acceptance, trust, and honest, open 2 way communication as to needs and expectations, the most vulnerable shared moments in loving, sexual intimacy can be some of the most gratifying emotional and psychological experiences in your marriage.  Bear that in mind, and do not neglect your loving sexual relationship with your spouse.

I do think that we need to do a better job of raising our daughters here in the US to be more giving.  There is more to the problem here than just 50 years of toxic gender feminism.  As we opined previously on this blog, in the US, there is a several generations old societal proclivity for spoiling female children.  (It is the opposite to Asia, where male children tend to be spoiled and female children are treated quite badly.)  We need to do a better job of instructing and teaching our daughters to more properly understand their future role as a loving and supportive wife for their husband.

Here is a helpful essay written by a Christian wife for wives: enjoying your husband’s semen


I had thought of writing an essay that would have been entitled something like “the psychology of ejaculation”, and would have addressed why frequent sexual release is so important to a husband not simply physically, but also emotionally and psychologically.  But, it may not be welcomed or appreciated by many readers, so I dropped the idea.  As well, we addressed this in part in our marriage series years back (in part 3 of “marriage with a little sex and a little spice”).  Suffice it to say here that your husband will feel rejected by any sexual gatekeeping or refusal from you.  This in turn leads to not only frustration but also to eventual deep resentment of you.  Many such rejected husbands will withdraw over time more and more from being actively involved in the marriage relationship.  The lesson here is that if you play this harmful game of sexual gatekeeping, you put your marriage, your long term happiness, and even the welfare of your children at serious risk (from separation and divorce).  Sexual refusal and gatekeeping, using the withholding of sexual intimacy from your spouse as a weapon to get back at him, is a lose-lose stratagem.  Do not do it.

Here is a very helpful and insightful post by Renee Wade of the Feminine Woman website.  In fact, this post is a classic on the subject and is highly recommended:

Why do men really love blowjobs?



copyright 2018 –


  1. This was a pretty interesting read although saying sexual relations is someone’s right because they’re married (be it man or woman) just doesn’t sound right. It could just be me and the way I’m reading it but it sounds kinda creepish so can you elaborate for me? As far as emotions go I wouldn’t say that’s the case for all because for people like me we aren’t exactly too emotional or vulnerable with it (mainly because I don’t like relationships to begin with).

    1. That is interesting: you say you “don’t like relationships to begin with.” Of course, there are people who do not bring their emotions into play in their casual hook-ups; but for those seeking the security and benefits of a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship, the emotions need to be in play for both individuals. Mutual sex appeal and attraction are not enough to keep the relationship going for the long haul. Good, mutually satisfying sex is a needed ingredient, yes (as we basically said in the post above), but it is not the only important ingredient or factor in a successful marriage. Emotional commitment from both spouses is also needed.

      I would suggest you consult any of the good books out there on Christian marriage, or any of the various Christian marriage blogs (online) that address the rights and responsibilities of the spouses in their marriage.

      1. I get that kind of often, for me I just don’t see much use for a romantic relationship. I’ve been in them and I just don’t get the, same could be said with marriage for me. I just get bored of a relationship extremely quickly. Honestly now that I think about it I’ve never been a sentimental person. I agree that if a person is looking for something long term then they should be emotion but exactly what is the “Security and benefits” of a long term relationship/marriage.

        I’ve seen the Christian and other religous takes on the responsibilities in a relationship and while I’m not religous (I’m actually atheist and kind of ironic considering the demographic I’m in) I can agree with them in some cases but overall it’s nothing to convince me.

    2. It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 1 Corinthians 1:1-7

  2. I’m divorced sadly. From my own experience, I was pushed to get a full time job to help support the family and after working all day and taking care of our children when I got home, I found I had no energy left for sex. I’m not complaining. I’m only mentioning this because I feel an man should be prepared to support a family financially if he wants his wife to be happy and giving..

    I would also appreciate any thoughts regarding what I might have done in the situation I found myself in. I feel bad about it.

    1. Thanks Maureen for your comment.

      There are problems with our economic system. It is not really a free market kind of capitalism that favors small entrepeneurs. Our system favors the large corporations and the banks. As I have noted in other posts, the economy exists to provide for the needs of the family, and finance is ancilliary to the economy. We have inverted that now so that families work out in the economy to serve the kings of finance, who take most of the fruits of the workers’ labors. If we could reorder our economy, we might be able to make it easier for families to prosper with only one of the parents working (so that the mother could stay at home and care for her children).

      Individual marriages with their own specific challenges and circumstances make it difficult for me to give specific advice here. But, one thing that couples in similar situations to your own could try doing is setting aside some time to make love. Make this a priority. Sometimes actually scheduling some quality time alone with your spouse is necessary. Husbands can help out with some of the after work household chores to take some pressure off their working wife. Adjustments can be made. Some couples make love in the morning before the children are awake. “Quickies” are not such a bad idea at times.

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